Woman Question

[HouseDivided]

Okay, against my better judgment, I am soliciting input on an issue that has been bugging me the last year or so:

I am normally a very introverted person. I don't tend to initiate conversations with people I don't know well. I am generally pleasant and polite when people approach me, but not garrulous. For approximately the past year I have been trying to improve my social skills by being the initiator in conversation and being more outgoing when approached. As I have done so, I have noted the following trend, and having spent a lifetime actively avoiding verbal interaction, I am not sure if this is normal or if I am committing some sort of social faux pas.

I have noticed that, when I am visiting with a woman, she invariably manages to work a sentence into the first two minutes of the conversation that mentions her boyfriend or husband. Note that I am not hitting on her and have no designs on trying to move anything beyond a short, pleasant, platonic conversation, but it is always crammed in there even though it is usually not related to the topic at hand. In my mind it is the equivalent of throwing "I own a yellow shirt" into a casual exchange about how work is going.

I am not a big eye contact person, I don't stand close to people, and am not being flirty whatsoever, so I am out of ideas as to why this happens so often. Is it just normal for women to say that to men they are standing in line with or riding in an elevator with, or am I an inadvertent creeper?

[pdub]

Some people's boyfriends and husbands are an important part of their lives.
Certainly moreso than a yellow shirt.
I don't know what you look like but from some of the things you post about women and how much you seem to care about your life, it's possible that comes out in interactions and can be sensed by the women you speak to.

[Deleted User 183]

For some it establishes an immediate boundary. One can either assume that the woman is too confident and automatically assumes you are attracted to her and needs to tell you she's taken or lacks confidence and feels you might not be attracted to her and feels the need to tell you that she has a man who is interested in her. It's up to you to decide what her purpose in telling you is.
I found in my younger years that some women actually used it as a ploy to see just how attracted to her I was. Meaning, do I give a damn that she has a boyfriend/husband.
Two serious relationships I had were with women that were in serious relationships when they and I started dating.

[HouseDivided]

Some people's boyfriends and husbands are an important part of their lives.
Certainly moreso than a yellow shirt.
I don't know what you look like but from some of the things you post about women and how much you seem to care about your life, it's possible that comes out in interactions and can be sensed by the women you speak to.

I'm a big guy (6'3" 235), and have been told I come off as intimidating - mostly because I am so quiet; hence the attempt to be more talkative. I play my cards pretty close to the vest, so I don't think my inner turmoil leaks out, but could be.

[HouseDivided]

For some it establishes an immediate boundary. One can either assume that the woman is too confident and automatically assumes you are attracted to her and needs to tell you she's taken or lacks confidence and feels you might not be attracted to her and feels the need to tell you that she has a man who is interested in her. It's up to you to decide what her purpose in telling you is.
I found in my younger years that some women actually used it as a ploy to see just how attracted to her I was. Meaning, do I give a damn that she has a boyfriend/husband.
Two serious relationships I had were with women that were in serious relationships when they and I started dating.

The boundary issue occurred to me, which makes me want to just stop talking to people altogether. It bothers me that people feel the need to put up a STOP sign when I'm not trying to get anywhere in the first place. It also worries me that they think I might be attracted. I hadn't considered the "see if he gives a damn" angle. Thanks.

[shindig]

I'm somewhat of an introvert myself and I have also been trying to be more talkative around people I don't know. I get that reaction at times from generally younger, attractive women. It can just be from standing in line at Subway or something and start a conversation with a female and then, bang, it's some random comment like "oh my husband/boyfriend always orders that sandwich)...mmmmkkkk. Thanks for sharing...lol.

[HouseDivided]

I'm somewhat of an introvert myself and I have also been trying to be more talkative around people I don't know. I get that reaction at times from generally younger, attractive women. It can just be from standing in line at Subway or something and start a conversation with a female and then, bang, it's some random comment like "oh my husband/boyfriend always orders that sandwich)...mmmmkkkk. Thanks for sharing...lol.

Thank you. Glad I'm not alone. I'm tempted to reply "That's great. I wasn't really interviewing for the position, but I appreciate the info."

[jhawks99]

Hopefully, one of our few females will chime in here. I assume it's because they've been hit on so many times that they let you, or anyone else for that matter, know up front that they are no available.

[HouseDivided]

Hopefully, one of our few females will chime in here. I assume it's because they've been hit on so many times that they let you, or anyone else for that matter, know up front that they are no available.

Agreed. Female input would be great.

Not sure about the being hit on angle. I don't even bother talking to really attractive women unless they strike up a conversation with me for that very reason. These are average to below average, run-of-the-mill females for whom I doubt that is a problem.

[shindig]

Yeah, sometimes I wonder how in the world do people even hook up anymore? People are so closed off and consumed by themselves it seems. I mean I was on the elevator the other day and every person (probably 8) had their phones out looking at the screen....and btw, the phones don't work in the elevator, at least mine doesn't, so it's like they are just pulling their phone out to avoid eye contact or conversation. Just bizarre. Then I wonder, why don't I do this? I'm the introvert. I'm also the type of person that isn't glued to my phone. I leave my house all the time (walk the dog, go for a jog, etc) and intentionally leave my phone at home. Why? Because I don't feel the need to know what is going on in other peoples lives or the news 24/7.

[pdub]

Yeah, sometimes I wonder how in the world do people even hook up anymore?... I mean I was on the elevator the other day and every person (probably 8) had their phones out looking at the screen

Probably hooking up via phone.

[HouseDivided]

Yeah, sometimes I wonder how in the world do people even hook up anymore? People are so closed off and consumed by themselves it seems. I mean I was on the elevator the other day and every person (probably 8) had their phones out looking at the screen....and btw, the phones don't work in the elevator, at least mine doesn't, so it's like they are just pulling their phone out to avoid eye contact or conversation. Just bizarre. Then I wonder, why don't I do this? I'm the introvert. I'm also the type of person that isn't glued to my phone. I leave my house all the time (walk the dog, go for a jog, etc) and intentionally leave my phone at home. Why? Because I don't feel the need to know what is going on in other peoples lives or the news 24/7.

But,bro, somebody might go to Starbucks and get a latte' or get a new hairdo or their cat might do something ADORABLE. Are you really willing to risk missing out on that?

[shindig]

Yeah, sometimes I wonder how in the world do people even hook up anymore?... I mean I was on the elevator the other day and every person (probably 8) had their phones out looking at the screen

Probably hooking up via phone.

Interesting. I hate it though when I get a bunch of text messages and my phone is always chiming...so freaking annoying. And if you don't check it fast enough, it chimes again.

[shindig]

Yeah, sometimes I wonder how in the world do people even hook up anymore? People are so closed off and consumed by themselves it seems. I mean I was on the elevator the other day and every person (probably 8) had their phones out looking at the screen....and btw, the phones don't work in the elevator, at least mine doesn't, so it's like they are just pulling their phone out to avoid eye contact or conversation. Just bizarre. Then I wonder, why don't I do this? I'm the introvert. I'm also the type of person that isn't glued to my phone. I leave my house all the time (walk the dog, go for a jog, etc) and intentionally leave my phone at home. Why? Because I don't feel the need to know what is going on in other peoples lives or the news 24/7.

But,bro, somebody might go to Starbucks and get a latte' or get a new hairdo or their cat might do something ADORABLE. Are you really willing to risk missing out on that?

God FB is the worse. I rarely get on it anymore. Exactly that kind of stuff. The "check in" feature is the worse and then taking a picture of your food and posting it on FB...oh joy. Thanks for sharing.

[jfish26]

Hopefully, one of our few females will chime in here. I assume it's because they've been hit on so many times that they let you, or anyone else for that matter, know up front that they are no available.

Agreed. Female input would be great.

Not sure about the being hit on angle. I don't even bother talking to really attractive women unless they strike up a conversation with me for that very reason. These are average to below average, run-of-the-mill females for whom I doubt that is a problem.

Could be a number of reasons for wanting to send the signal. Maybe it's important for their self-esteem that they communicate that they're taken/valued. Maybe they want to head anything off at the pass (whether your interest in them, or theirs in you, whatever). Maybe they feel they'll get a more authentic version of you if the boundary is clearly set.

I think the point is, in any case, that you're supposed to hear (and respect) the message. Sounds like that's being done.

[Cascadia]

lol, it’s easy. Stop coming across like a creep and they won’t mention the boyfriend/husband immediately.

[HouseDivided]

Hopefully, one of our few females will chime in here. I assume it's because they've been hit on so many times that they let you, or anyone else for that matter, know up front that they are no available.

Agreed. Female input would be great.

Not sure about the being hit on angle. I don't even bother talking to really attractive women unless they strike up a conversation with me for that very reason. These are average to below average, run-of-the-mill females for whom I doubt that is a problem.

Could be a number of reasons for wanting to send the signal. Maybe it's important for their self-esteem that they communicate that they're taken/valued. Maybe they want to head anything off at the pass (whether your interest in them, or theirs in you, whatever). Maybe they feel they'll get a more authentic version of you if the boundary is clearly set.

I think the point is, in any case, that you're supposed to hear (and respect) the message. Sounds like that's being done.

Thanks. Appreciate the feedback.

[PhDhawk]

Hopefully, one of our few females will chime in here. I assume it's because they've been hit on so many times that they let you, or anyone else for that matter, know up front that they are no available.

Agreed. Female input would be great.

Not sure about the being hit on angle. I don't even bother talking to really attractive women unless they strike up a conversation with me for that very reason. These are average to below average, run-of-the-mill females for whom I doubt that is a problem.

In general, and studies back this up, men tend to rank women more attractive than vice versa. Also, men tend to misread things, usually men think women are more interested in them than they are, while women are more accurate in that perception. (John Tesh, intelligence for your life).

It's clearly not true with you. But, I think it's likely that some of these women who you think are 4s and 5s, are probably rated more like 6s and 7s by a lot of men, so good enough to hit on...and those men, who think of themselves as the equivalent are probably viewed by those women more likely as 4s or lower....so, not only do they probably get hit on, it's frequently by men they aren't attracted to.

It would also get old, to frequently have guys, "strike up innocent conversation" only to later on start hitting on a woman. Announcing they have a sig. other, is just a way of saying, "it's cool if we talk, but if this is your ice breaker to trying to get a date, let's not waste either of our time".

Keep in mind that for a guy getting hit on at worst is flattering, for women, it can be threatening/intimidating, or escalate to something worse.

[pdub]

PhD is viewed by all women as 1s or lower.

[PhDhawk]

PhD is viewed by all women as 1s or lower.

Fuck you, I'm a solid 2.