So just a general thread about dating with everyone getting out more and getting their Rona shots. I was out of the dating loop for a year during Covid, but have been on 2 dates in the last week. I "thought" both went well, but obviously I wasn't on my game or their just wasn't a click between us. Both girls said they had a great time with me, but didn't feel the potential for a romantic connection...lol.
It's tough, I need Ousy here to be my wingman...lol. I think I come across as a nice guy, but nothing exciting. I dress nice, I'm 6' tall, weigh around 190 lbs (need to lose about 5-6 more), but I am 49. I'm trying not to get down on myself. My buddy gave me a book to read called "The Alpha Male Bible". I am definitely what I would call a Beta (not real assertive, always trying to please others, etc.)
Any tips, advice, whatever. I still have my hair, not going bald, little tinge of gray, not ugly, probably girls would describe me as cute and a "nice" guy....fuck that. I need to learn to be a dick
I never really had a satisfying "love life" until I gave up trying to be anything but myself. If you try to attract prospective partners by being something different, then (1) you're going to suck at it, and (2) even if they actually like that you, they don't like you.
jfish26 wrote: ↑Tue May 25, 2021 8:48 am
I never really had a satisfying "love life" until I gave up trying to be anything but myself. If you try to attract prospective partners by being something different, then (1) you're going to suck at it, and (2) even if they actually like that you, they don't like you.
My $0.02.
Thanks, good insight. I have a couple buddies that are definitely Alpha males. Very assertive, out-going personalities and it's just not me. I try, but it's just not in my DNA. I'm just more reserved (not that is a bad thing), just I think I come across sometime as not real driven even though I have a great job, house, a nice car and I do a lot of work on my house myself.
I can't help but wonder if a lot of single women are in "heat" right now.
Some/many haven't been laid in over a year.
Is that sexist of me to say? Probably. Oh well. Sue me.
Are you just looking to get laid and not be picky or are you looking to have a committed long term relationship?
That's often my conundrum.
My worthless take....
I was in a relationship for almost two years with a 50 something year old woman.
She was/is extremely damaged goods. As was/am I.
That is the biggest issue I have found in dating over the last 10-15 years - us single people have a history (both negative and positive) and obviously there were issues with us and our significant others through the years that no longer made us a good fit with each other. What were those issues/things?
So... What makes us compatible with others? Obviously common interests but relationships are so much more complicated/complex than just that.
Very few people are going to make significant changes regarding who they are - for our behalf.
A very wise women told me multiple times, at my age I will not have a successful relationship unless BOTH of us can "unconditionally" accept one another. I have found that's not too easy.
Now I will let people who have been divorced and are now in good/happy relationships chime in.
MJ23 wrote: ↑Tue May 25, 2021 9:03 am
I can't help but wonder if a lot of single women are in "heat" right now.
Some/many haven't been laid in over a year.
Is that sexist of me to say? Probably. Oh well. Sue me.
Are you just looking to get laid and not be picky or are you looking to have a committed long term relationship?
That's often my conundrum.
My worthless take....
I was in a relationship for almost two years with a 50 something year old woman.
She was/is extremely damaged goods. As was/am I.
That is the biggest issue I have found in dating over the last 10-15 years - us single people have a history (both negative and positive) and obviously there were issues with us and our significant others through the years that no longer made us a good fit with each other. What were those issues/things?
So... What makes us compatible with others? Obviously common interests but relationships are so much more complicated/complex than just that.
Very few people are going to make significant changes regarding who they are - for our behalf.
A very wise women told me multiple times, at my age I will not have a successful relationship unless BOTH of us can "unconditionally" accept one another. I have found that's not too easy.
Now I will let people who have been divorced and are now in good/happy relationships chime in.
Good luck to you shindig!
I am definitely looking for something long-term, like a soul mate, and I am pretty picky as far a body shape. I can't date an overweight women. But just a casual hook up would be nice as well, since it has been a while since, well you know? lol.
I am guessing a lot of single women and men are ready to start getting out and dating and probably want to keep their options open or just be single over the summer and have flings. I don't know. The girl I went out with this past Thursday was a set up by mutual friends, so it kind of surprised me that she just automatically put me in her "friend" list. I'm sure I will run into over the summer since she is good friends with several of my friends, which might give me another shot with her.
ousdahl wrote: ↑Tue May 25, 2021 9:47 am
shindig wingman POTD!
In zoom meetings for most of the morning hut gonna try to think of something wittier to contribute to this thread
Ha. Maybe I should book a fly fishing trip to Colorado this Summer. I've never fly fished, but I really need to find some new hobbies were I am out socially with people. I have a nice Giant road bike, thought about joining some biking clubs here in KC.
jfish26 wrote: ↑Tue May 25, 2021 8:48 am
I never really had a satisfying "love life" until I gave up trying to be anything but myself. If you try to attract prospective partners by being something different, then (1) you're going to suck at it, and (2) even if they actually like that
you, they don't like you.
My $0.02.
Thanks, good insight. I have a couple buddies that are definitely Alpha males. Very assertive, out-going personalities and it's just not me. I try, but it's just not in my DNA. I'm just more reserved (not that is a bad thing), just I think I come across sometime as not real driven even though I have a great job, house, a nice car and I do a lot of work on my house myself.
I might add to make yourself so busy in personal hobbies/projects that you really don't have time for the dating scene. If you don't have time for it that's when the relationships start happening. In my late 40s I was a couple of years off of a pretty bad breakup with a woman I was with for 8 years and I thought our thing would be a lifetime together. I decided to go to graduate school and I completely immersed myself in research and studies. Wouldn't you know it, a year and a half into school I met someone and didn't really have the time. A few hours here and there turned into 23 years together and one of the most awesome sons ever.
jfish26 wrote: ↑Tue May 25, 2021 8:48 am
I never really had a satisfying "love life" until I gave up trying to be anything but myself. If you try to attract prospective partners by being something different, then (1) you're going to suck at it, and (2) even if they actually like that
you, they don't like you.
My $0.02.
Thanks, good insight. I have a couple buddies that are definitely Alpha males. Very assertive, out-going personalities and it's just not me. I try, but it's just not in my DNA. I'm just more reserved (not that is a bad thing), just I think I come across sometime as not real driven even though I have a great job, house, a nice car and I do a lot of work on my house myself.
I might add to make yourself so busy in personal hobbies/projects that you really don't have time for the dating scene. If you don't have time for it that's when the relationships start happening. In my late 40s I was a couple of years off of a pretty bad breakup with a woman I was with for 8 years and I thought our thing would be a lifetime together. I decided to go to graduate school and I completely immersed myself in research and studies. Wouldn't you know it, a year and a half into school I met someone and didn't really have the time. A few hours here and there turned into 23 years together and one of the most awesome sons ever.
That's awesome. So were you over 50 when you (or your wife) had a baby? I'm 49 and I just don't know if I even want kids at this point in my life. It's weird. I dated a girl up until August 2010 for almost 4 years and she got pregnant in March 2010. I was a bit freaked out, but excited. Unfortunately she had a mis-carriage and it kind of messed up our relationship. She decided she needed to move to California to get her degree in acupuncture (she owned her own massage therapy business in KC) and start over.
Part of my problem is I'm sort of stuck in my routine or comfort zone.
Last edited by shindig on Tue May 25, 2021 11:09 am, edited 1 time in total.
Im so glad i dont have to try and date, especially in the worls of social media. Id probably just not even try, just do my own thing and stay busy forever ha. I only know how to go to bars and events and do the trial and error in person, id be a disaster on the internet world of today. Hopefully i don't ever have to find out.
Met my wife a couple of months before COVID hit, got married in February of this year.
Had to figure out how to date with nothing open and no group gathering opportunities. Learned how to be myself and to spend time with another person rather than hide behind activities and events. Probably one of the best things that ever happened to me, but also the most uncomfortable.
Be confident in who you are and take feedback about things that need to change in you seriously. Relationships can either be a threat or an opportunity, depending on what you make of them.
“First of all, AI is two letters. It’s kind of a fancy thing.” - Scary Smart Brilliant VP Kamala Harris
Oh, my experience as a single 40 something taught me that not only did I meet a better type of woman at Barnes and Noble than at a bar...they were hornier.
ousdahl wrote: ↑Tue May 25, 2021 9:47 am
shindig wingman POTD!
In zoom meetings for most of the morning hut gonna try to think of something wittier to contribute to this thread
Ha. Maybe I should book a fly fishing trip to Colorado this Summer. I've never fly fished, but I really need to find some new hobbies were I am out socially with people. I have a nice Giant road bike, thought about joining some biking clubs here in KC.
Dude, come on out. I’ll teach you to fly fish, and let you borrow a rod.
Even if not fly fishing, there’s so much recreation out here. Hiking and biking fishing and rafting and off roading and you name it.
Even if you don’t do any outdoorsy shit, enough breweries in Fraser to make a whole trip of day drinking. Just belly up and bump shoulders. Nonzero chance you cross paths with a cougar doing the same thing, not that I would know.
WP has even more, and is a 2 mile bike ride away, paved path or dirt trails, you got choices. Lots of festivals and live music in the summer too.
Get out of your routine comfort zone tho!
I can’t commit to full on hosting, but would at least meet up for beers, fishing, maybe wingman a happy hour or two, and offer more than enough fun ideas to keep you busy for a few days.
I found myself getting divorced at age 49 with two teenage daughters to co-parent and a business to run during the worst economic downturn I have seen. Little time or inclination for going to bars or such to look for a future partner. My therapist at the time suggested the same things; join clubs or organizations of like-minded, similar interest people, etc. and if none of that appeals to you, look at Match.com for practice and to just meet some people.
And if push came to shove I could engage Leawood as my wingman. Although the one party we attended together, the women in attendance thought we were a couple, so I didn’t put too much stock in that approach.
I took the path of least personal effort.
My current wife had been on Match off and on for 2 years or so, she had worked the system in a number of ways trying to meet someone. First she put up a photo of herself, red hair and pale blue eyes and then a very generalized description of herself, likes, interests, etc. She cast a wide net and drew lots of interest. When she looked at the profiles of the guys who responded, she noted she had nothing in common with almost all of them. They just liked the look of a woman with red hair and pale blue eyes. She kept rewriting her profile over the course of time to be more specific and to list her dislikes as well as her disinterests. She decided each time to write the profile to try to get fewer and fewer replies. The only part I can remember at this point was she listed her “most prized possession” as her Dewalt rechargeable drill. I know it seems counterintuitive. Me picking the weird one, but I took a flyer on her. She told me at one point she thought about starting a business helping guys write their profiles so that they would have a better chance in general with women, as all of her friends were in the same boat. Reading a guy’s profile and then meeting them and going WTF? Selling yourself as something you aren’t is a common problem I have been told.
When I met her, she had what I thought was a pretty good process down. She said we could talk via email for at least 2 weeks first. She told me later this is enough time for anyone in their best behavior mode to let their guard down and show themselves to be a dick. After that if things are going well, she would give me her cell number and we could talk. She told me later that this was a test to see if I could talk and chew gum at same time as well as write emails. In the phone call she would find out if someone had annoying verbal tics or laughed like a seal or had an effeminate voice; and she could cut them off without having to see their disappointed face. If you made it through those screenings, then you get an in person date. It was an absolute rule that she didn’t kiss on the first date; don’t ask, not negotiable, deal breaker. I guess a number of guys thought this whole process was intriguing and felt getting a kiss on the first date was a challenge worth pushing for. I understand it did not end well for them. She did grab me and kiss me on the second date; so she is not a cold fish, just very particular. After the first date I asked her out again as she was leaving. She told me, “you know no one asks you for a second date while you are standing there. They ask in a text later so that you don’t have to look at them when you say, no thanks.” I said “OK; but I already know I want to go out with you again, and I know you want to go out with me again, so let’s skip the bullshit.” About a year after starting my way through her screening process, we got married.
I was actively on Match.com for a total of maybe 48 hours. I only exchanged messages with one woman while on there and it worked out well. I had a good idea of who I was looking for when I went on line and was up front about who I was and what I was there for. I will admit the photo of the red hair and blue eyes did draw my attention first. To this day when people ask how we met, she tells the story and she says she can’t believe she had to endure 2 years of bullshit and I figured the whole thing out in one try in 48 hours. I always say this is the difference between a person who got an art degree and one who got a degree in engineering. I work out my process up front and don’t need 2 years of beta testing to work out the bugs before expecting results.
Did I ever tell you the story about the 84 year old spinster who sold me her town because she thought I was sent by God?
My experiences may not be typical or easily reproducible.
Come to Solstice, there will be interesting people there.
I saw the worst minds of my generation empowered by madness, bloated farcical naked,
dragging themselves through the whitewashed streets at dawn looking for a grievance fix.
